Randomness
by LonelyWriter42
Summary: Bleach inspired randomness brought on by watching stuff on YouTube. ByakuyaxRukia. Warning: Super OOC-ness.


Randomness

Author: LonelyWriter42

Summary: Bleach inspired randomness brought on by watching stuff on YouTube. ByaRuki. Warning: Super OOC-ness.

Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Kubo Tite, YouTube is owned by those Google people.

* * *

**Part one: Bad Hair day**

Byakuya stood next to the intricately carved table, drumming his fingers on it as he waited for his phone call to go through, his hair a tangle of knots.

After five minutes of wait, a voice came over the line. "Hair hotline, how may we help you?"

"I need hair straightener!" He yelled into the phone as a new knot appeared, defying logic.

"You want to talk to sexy girls now? Okay! We'll put your call though!"

"No! Hair straightener!" Byakuya yelled as another knot appeared.

"Please hole the line," the person said as the line clicked over.

"Okay?" Byakuya asked, his face bright red..

Meanwhile, over at the Sexy Girl hotline, Rukia sat fuming at Matsumoto who had asked her for her 'help' with a job. "Rangiku-san," she hissed as the phone next to her rang. "Eh," she squeaked as she picked it up. With a sigh she read the line that had been written down for her to say when she answered the phone. "Hey there handsome, looking for some fun?"

There was dead silence on the other end for several seconds before Byakuya's voice was heard. "Rukia?" He yelled.

"AH! Nii-sama?" Rukia screamed, her face on fire. "What are you doing? Phoning this number? AH!"

"What are you doing, answering for this number?" Byakuya yelled back, his blush deepening. "I was trying to get through to the hair hotline! But they sent me here instead."

Rukia bit her lower lip and didn't reply.

"Well, this is awkward…" Byakuya muttered, trying not to have his voice squeak as he realized what was happening.

"Um, can you please, please, please, not tell anyone about this? Rangiku-san made me." Rukia hyperventilated.

"Um, sure?" Byakuya replied, still blushing and still in desperate need of hair calming products.

"Okay, thanks. I'm going to hang up now," Rukia said.

"Wait! Don't hang up yet!" Byakuya yelled, a sudden thought occurred to him.

"Um, is something wrong, Nii-sama?" Rukia asked.

"So… Um, what are you wearing? Is it… you know, tight?" Byakuya asked, the super pervert coming out in him.

Rukia's eyes widened to the biggest they would go as she slammed the phone down on the receiver.

"Um, Rukia? Are you still there? Rukia?" Byakuya rubbed the back of his head as he waited for a response. "Rukia? Hello? Damn, she hung up. And I still need hair products from the hair hotline," he hung his head. "This is not my day."

* * *

**Part Two: Phone**

Rukia sat at the table, talking to Orihime on the phone. "Really? Uh huh. No? That makes no sense."

Byakuya sat behind her, a put off look on his face as he had been waiting for over an hour to use the phone himself. A sudden thought occurred to him as an evil grin appeared. With a low chuckle he got down on all fours and silently stocked up to her.

"Orihime? Are you sure? Should you be talking about such a thing? Is Ichigo there?" Rukia asked, not noticing Byakuya's actions as he zeroed in on her feet that were tucked neatly under her. "Oh, you know, guys…"

A super evil smile came as Byakuya reached out and grabbed Rukia's foot, squeezing as hard as he could.

"Eep!" Rukia yelled, almost dropping the phone.

"Rukia, are you okay?" Orihime shouted.

"Um no, it's nothing! My foot just fell asleep! That's all!" Rukia yelled, gripping the phone cord as she turned and glared at Byakuya. He stuck out his tongue at her, the devilish light still in his eyes.

"Oh, do you still want to talk?" Orihime asked obliviously.

"Um, sure," Rukia muttered as Byakuya cozied up to her from behind, wrapping his legs around her waist.

With another devilish grin, Byakuya lowered his lips to Rukia's ear and bit down.

Rukia gasped as Orihime rambled on. "Do you want to hear about the latest hollow Ichigo and I killed?"

"Um, sure," Rukia squeaked in pleasure.

"… And then Ichigo hit it with all his might with his bare hand and got Zangetsu back so he could slice it up." Orihime prattled mindlessly.

Rukia tried hard to consentrate on what her friend was saying but was having a hard time as Byakuya had undone the neckline of her kimono and was now licking her neck and shoulder.

"Rukia? Are you still there?" Orihime asked cluelessly.

"Ooh, you better answer, don't want her to think something is going on," Byakuya said into Rukia's ear with a chuckle.

"I'm still here," Rukia sighed as Byakuya kissed the nape of her neck.

"Are you okay? Your voice is shaking." Orihime replied.

"I'm fine, really!" Rukia gasped, wondering why Orihime had chosen this moment to finally grow a brain.

"Fu, fu, fu," Byakuya chuckled in her ear as he pulled back.

"No," Rukia breathed, knowing what was going to come next.

"You still don't want to hang up even though you know what is going to happen? I hope you don't regret it." Byakuya grinned.

"Oh, no!" Rukia squeaked, tear drops coming to her eyes as she dropped the phone just when he jumped on top of her.

Several minutes later she picked the phone back up and said, "We've been talking a long time. I have to go. Bye!" The line clicked dead as she dropped the phone again into the pile of her clothing. She sat there breathing hard as Byakuya grinned up at her.

"Ah, that was fun," he chuckled, rising up on his elbow.

"Idiot! That was so embarrassing!" Rukia yelled.

"Now you know the punishment for not letting me use the phone when I want it." He stuck out his tongue again. "Now excuse me, I have an important call to make."

She watched in shock as he picked up the phone and started dialing, an evil plan forming in her mind as he started talking.

* * *

**Part Three: Visit of the Old Man**

Renji stood in the entry way of the Kuchiki family manor, hoding a large box of candy out to the children standing there. "Here you are, little ones. Is Rukia home?"

"Thank you, jii-san!" The little boy yelled, grabbing the box as Renji's face turned red and a hair popped straight up.

"He meant Renji-sama," the boy's sister said, clamping her hand over her brother's mouth. "Kaa-san and Tou-san are inside."

"Oh, okay. Thanks," Renji waved his hand as he walked past to the library where he knew Rukia and Byakuya would be.

"You need to watch the things you say!" The girl hissed to her brother as Renji walked away.

"Hey, Rukia! I'm coming in!" Renji yelled as he got to the library door.

"Ah," he heard Rukia sigh from inside. "That is the spot… Ah, just a bit more…"

"And here?" Renji heard Byakuya ask in a low, sensual voice.

"Yes, that is the spot. Harder," Rukia moaned.

"What the hell are you two doing such perverted things this early in the morning no less?" Renji yelled as he ripped the door off its hinges to get inside.

A stunned looking Byakuya stood behind Rukia who was wiggling in delight as Byakuya's hands massaged her shoulders.

"Oh, that is the spot. Hi, Renji," Rukia greeted with a large smile.

Renji stood rooted to the spot, his hair frizzing every way in shock.

"Well, it seems you have quite the imagination," Byakuya growled, walking slowly over to the red haired man. "Just what did you think that we where doing in here?" Byakuya's eyes took on a demonic glow.

"Oh, stop teasing, Byakushi," Rukia said in an unconcerned voice.

"Shut up!" Renji yelled. "I don't need to explain myself to you!"

Suddenly Ukitake showed up behind Renji. "Renji-san! Why didn't you tell me that you were going to visit Rukia-san and Byakuya-kun! I wanted to see the cute offspring they have brought into the world!"

"I have to deal with one psycho Taicho and now another one," Renji muttered darkly.

* * *

**Part Four: Banana King!**

"Kaa-san! Tou-san!" Byakuya and Rukia's daughter yelled, running up to them. "Renji-jiisan also brought bananas!"

"Look, I'm a bull!" Their son called, holding two bananas to his head to make horns.

"They are also fun to play with!" The daughter giggled. "Kaa-san, do you like bananas?"

"I don't think so," Byakuya chuckled in a low voice, wrapping his arm around his wife's shoulders. "She likes something else better. Though it kinda looks like a banana," Byakuya said thoughtfully as Rukia's eyes glassed over in embarrassment.

"Ah!" Rukia yelled, punching him in his arm as he ran away. "Don't say things like that!" She screamed as their daughter looked at them with a question mark floating over her head, her brother completely ignoring what was going on as he played with his bananas.

* * *

**Part Five: Night scare**

"I'm going back to the real world. Goodbye." Rukia said as she picked up her bags and walked to the door.

Byakuya stared at her in shock, his face shattering into a million pieces. "Wait, Rukia! Is there something I did wrong? Why? Please tell me if it is something I did! Wait! RUKIA! Wait!" He yelled, rushing to grab her shoulder but she continued to ignore him.

The word death appeared in the background behind him as his mouth fell open and several more kanji fell out, all saying death.

His hair started falling out as she disappeared and after several seconds the flesh of his face melted off, a tree starting to grow out of his scull.

Renji's face with vampire fangs appeared a devilish laugh coming from his mouth as Ichigo's evil laugh and face appeared in his vision.

"Whah!" Byakuya cried as he woke with a jolt, falling to his side and burying his face in Rukia's chest. "I had that dream again!" He cried.

"It must be really scary," Rukia soothed, stroking his hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No!" He yelled.


End file.
